Birdemic: Shock and Terror.

Merryn Smith has felt many emotions watching films over the years. But tonights stirred feelings within him that he's never felt before. Alien sensations, something primal and unpleasant. In terms of simple english, I feel violated by it. Never before have I been reduced to tears at the outright badness of what is on the screen in front of me. I feel hollow and weak. And I am not exaggerating.


Those are the words that sum up my feelings towards this film, but I must expand.

I’d like to say this film is awful beyond words, however the depths that this piece of digital trash plumbs, leaves it wide open to being ripped apart. But first a small disclaimer. One form of countering criticism could be levelled at me by saying “well YOU couldn’t do any better”. True. Very, very true. And that is why I work for a helicopter company. 

Bad acting has long been a hallmark of z grade movies but this film takes it to an extreme. Clunky dialogue and shocking scripts are poorly delivered with such straight faces , you can hardly believe that the actors on screen are taking it seriously

The director firmly believes that long lingering shots of car parks, seaside towns, cars driving and people walking down streets are tension  building whereas we, the average-Joe-public-in-the-street, would simply describe it as boring. And the editing is abysmal. Shocking to the point that in any individual scene, the sound levels are cross cut badly and background noise leaps from one level to another. There are breaks between scenes and continuity errors that have to be seen to be believed.

The poor graphics are forgivable in a megalowbudget film like this, but you just know that eagles and vultures cannot hover,  let alone at just a few feet off the ground with a wing beat of around 20 a minute. It looks like a computer game from the early eighties, just not as good and with birds parading across screen........and then back again, you can't help but think of Space Invaders

There are times in this when it honest to goodness makes no sense. Things happen. and that's it. People are dead, then they're not then they are. And I am fast running out of rhetoric. 

Suffice to say that there are no redeeming qualities to this film AT ALL. The truth is (and it is the truth) there were times in this film I wanted to cry, it was so bad.  I am just glad they didn’t spend more than $10,000 in making it.....................

..............................................

Bugger it, they made a sequel.

No, no, no,no, NO. I will not end this review with a joke, a pithy remark, a sly wink to the reader. This film quite simply doesn’t deserve that. It’s an affront to the art of film making, it’s a mess, unpleasant and physically painful to watch. Shocking and boring in equal measure, you truly cannot believe that  the events and actions you see, are actually unfolding on the screen in front of you.  It’s too easy to say that the film has no redeeming qualities, the reverse is true if that were possible. It is a black hole of a fim, a dementor of a film, sucking the life and all that is good from those that see it, leaving them despairing and pitiful. 

Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes.

One day I will once again write a review of a film that I ddin’t enjoy, one that was rubbish, pointless and completely unmoving, but or now, I’ll just carry on with the ones that moved me and remoinded me what “Cinema” is all about.

 Off to a sedate and almost (oh so almost) slow start, ROTPOTA soon developed into a character drama, one in which you could see the heart rending denouement loomig large like an elephant in the corner and there is. Nothing. You. Can. Do. About it. Revealing whether your inner fears are realised or not is not a responsibility that I am going to shoulder, suffice to say the quality of the film as a whole compensates for any heart string tugging that goes on.

And the film itself is superb, though at times the pace varies dramatically the central premise though unbelievable, is acceptable and the sheer quality of the acting, drives everything forward, Franco is good, Cox is good, Felton is so subtle he is excellent and Andy Sirkis is simply outstanding, a class of his own, not necessarily above the rest, but simply staggering in his own right. Subtle nuances and inflections mean everything when you potray a character with limited communication (just ask John Hurt a la “Elephant Man”), but Sirkis seems to have that particular market sewn up.

 There is an element of sweeping flare with the direction on this film. It adds to the drama and the tension, but in no way takes your eye off the ball. Some recent releases have suffered with the amount of directorial panache they have injected, but here the balance is just right. With regard to the set pieces, you could tick them off as with any prequel/reboot/action flick, but here there is an edge, a frisson of originality throughout. The showdown on the Golden Gate bridge has been done a dozen times before but never like this, the escape from the compound is nothing new, but the build up is tremendous, and the heartbreak of letting go of the thing you love the most is possibly the oldest story of them all, but it’s never been told this way.

The final third of the film was nigh on perfect. There was a sense of humanity, with the apes displaying compassion, self sacrifice, bitterness and hate. An understanding of all things, an understanding, full stop. And prefacing it all, at the heart of the film is one of those moments for me which define cinema. Every now and then there is a scene which is breathtaking. You watch, you are engrossed, you are utterly absorbed, and then you realise you have stopped breathing. The scene sparks, and it illicits from you, a primal reaction, something you couldn’t stop if you wanted to, if your life depended on it, you react from your very core. And here we have one such screen. My immediate reaction was that I had just witnessed a turning point in cinema history, then I relaised that it was not that serious, just a turning point in actual history, in evolution. Then I realised that I was actually just watching a film but that in it a corner had been turned and a path followed that could never be retrodden. But for those few seconds, I was carried away I was in another  world and I was a witness. That is what cinema is all about.

Not without its faults, ROTPOTA is none the less great entertainment and one of the better Summer blockbusters of recent years. Original yet with a responsibility to what has gone before, the ending was such that it was a cracking stand alone movie,  an excellent precursor to those that had gone before it  or it had set the scene for future incarnations.

Ken Russels "The Devils" (partial spoilers)

Utterly remarkable film. There were times during it where I felt speechless, nay, breathless. Oliver Reed was outstanding, an awesome presence delivering a character who I felt at the start was to be the antihero of the piece, but who progressed to be enlarged by pathos and though thoroughly humbled by the end, his honesty as a human, honour as a man and integrity as an individual are completely and beautifully intact.
 Sexual repression in a Convent in 17th century France leads to mass hysteria and accusations of withcraft aimed at the towns elder, Father Grandier. An immoral man of the cloth who fears the repression of the state, yet finds love in the arms of a simple but honest young woman.
 It's a broken hearted story on many levels, but at its very core are just two or three scenes depicting his salvation through the soft eyes of Madeleine. These scenes, integral to the film could be separate and distinct in their own right.....a simple love story and beautifully portrayed.

 and yet the film is remembered for the controversy, the pain, the nudity and the blasphemy it portrays. Maybe that is what makes it such a powerful piece, the contrast between the tenderness and the brutality and vulgarity, and when things are powerful, people fear them. The orgy scenes are not titilating, the torture is the more vicious for the agony Reed delivers so well and the blasphemy is necessary.... as religion and its corruption are at the political heart of this film.

For me the only jarring note is just that, the soundtrack is difficult at times though may well conjour up the excess and decadence of 17th century France and some of the camera work may seem amateurish, but, clunky as it is, it does ad to the whirling fever of the film as a whole.

For me, cinema is about being moved, and falling in love with a performance is about as good as it gets. When a film can make you hold a hand to your mouth, sigh in despair and hold your breath in anticipation it has succeeded on the greatest of levels.

Utterly remarkable.

The Adjustment Bureau

I've got a feeling this could be a relatively short review, but nothing directly wrong with that, better than waffling on about nothing. As humans living on earth, we sometimes deviate from the "plan" that has been laid down for us and as such, beings from the "adjustment bureau" give us a nudge back on track. They may hide our car keys, or give us a flat tyre, ease the traffic or help us catch a lift, anything to get us back on the path. Matt Damon refuses to be nudged, in his pursuit of true love, in the form of a beautiful dancer, whatever the cost.
 It is almost a modern day fairy tale. Prince charming, searching for his Cinderella, cross that with a dash of futurism, mind wiping and real time freezing and your regular thriller chase through the streets or sewers of a major city and it all adds up to what we have here.......
 .....Which is entertaining enough, clever but not overly dramatic it was in no way a "Bad" film, but never really seemed to get off the ground, as it drew to it's inevitable conclusion, I got the impression it was very middle of the road, not a B movie as such, but no where near the quality of storytelling or production you would get in a mainstream success. It was almost as though it had just fallen short, but was too good to be a DTV.

RED.

Neither Fish Nor Fowl.
That's how I found this movie (and I can't bring myself to call it a film!!!!!) It's a flash actioner with what it sees as a wry sense of humour, but for me it just didn't work. Nowhere near funny enough to be a comedy, but had the sly winks to avoid the thriller category too. Much as I enjoy the leads in this movie (Malkovich and Mirren particularly), dare I say it, Knight And Day nailed it better with Tom Cruises million dollar smile and Diaz charming her way through. But we're not here for them. We are here at the behest of Robert Schwentke. The tried and tested director of such fare as "Flightplan", "The Time Travellers Wife" and......well, that's about it!

 It just seems so unoriginal, old agents, coming out of retirement when their lives come under threat. And I like my action flicks to have a bit of pzazz a bit of flair and other than the efforts of Karl Urban, Helen Mirren, Brian Cox and Big Boy Bruce, this flick had little to offer me. Even the shot *ahem* at pathos at the end fell flat!
 Think I would have rather watched Brian Cox's film from 2008 called "Red", maybe I will next time!

Endless Summer.

As far as surfing movies go, I’m not a big fan……but there is the odd exception. I watched Endless Summer II a few years ago and really enjoyed it. It recreated the events of the first film, three decades later in which a couple of surfers travel the world, following the summer season as it traverses the globe and looking for the best surf sites and the perfect wave, across the continents.

 It was a while ago when I saw the sequel, so the details I do not remember, what I do remember is that I surprised myself at the amount of pleasure I got from it. The original is a quality piece of filmmaking. A simple documentary, shot on cinefilm (and thus having no close in sound, if at all) and charting the exploits of our intrepid surfers across the world. It’s a touching travelogue, looking into the culture of surfing and the bond that joins it’s adherents. The anecdotes it reveals are poignant at times and humorous in the main. Bruce Browns sardonic wit and deadpan delivery of the narration reveal a love, not just of the sport of surfing itself but also of the message it carries.

127 Hours (Boyle, Danny 2011)

Having gone to see this at the Cinema on a free ticket the missus won in a competition, I can fairly say it was a complete waste of a complimentary entry. “127” is the sort of film I would pay DOUBLE the ticket price to see. Utterly engrossing and certainly not the monologue that many feared, James Franco excels in the lead role as Aron the extreme sportsman trapped in a remote gully with no hope of rescue.....but that is not all. His right arm is crushed tight against the wall by an immovable boulder leaving him with limited movement and few resources.

 You may know the story, but the intrigue into how you can stretch a limited scope into a full feature is just part of the draw. Danny Boyle's particular style is stamped on the movie from the outset and I almost felt the ghost of trainspotting tapping on my shoulder. The directors choice of shots and camera motion make the story fantastic and watchable and with just three or four scenes I was utterly absorbed and taken into the film, carrying me through the rest of the fascinating but slightly more pedestrian screenplay. The moments of intensity though were just that, enrapturing and engaging to an extreme, and for me, it's those scenes which grip you at your very heart which make a movie. Yes they are there to entertain or educate, films are there to thrill you, make you laugh or strike fear into your soul. But when a film reaches inside you moves you and almost changes your being......THAT's what it is all about, that is why we have buildings called 'cinemas' and that is why as an art form it will never die. Just so long as we produce regular Gran Torinos, Once Were Warriors and 127's over and above your Harry Potters and Pirates of the Caribbean.

 A remarkable film (and that from someone who wasn't overly impressed with “Slumdog”) one to keep the flame of cinema burning and one which left this viewer with the singular thought that simply swapping Hayden Christenssen with James Franco would have saved Star Wars II and III.

Exorcist II: The Heretic.

Such a disappointment. If they have to make unnecessary sequels, they could at least do it well. This was both unnecessary and poorly delivered. The story revolves a repressed sixteen year old Regan, a ludicrous invention joining peoples minds and warped origins of the Demon Pazuzu. But it’s laughable. Not least the dual hypnotisingmindbonding machine. James Earl Jones is embarrassing, Richard Burton is poor, the directorial tricks are straight out of a GCSE handbook and there isn’t actually a hint of horror in here. Add to that a complete lack of tension and you really can wonder what the point of it was…..Oh yes. Money. $14m to make and it took just over double that. Shame really, it simply doesn’t deserve it.

The Exorcist

Remarkable how time can affect the way you reflect on something and film is no exception. My remembrance of “The Exorcist” was of a film that, rather than scaring the pants of me or disturbing me to my core, struck me with awe at the quality of the film. I remember the shocks and a feeling of complete absorption first time around and at the end, a sense of “Woah! That was something special.

 This time….the gaps were filled in. The story (as I remembered it) was fleshed out and the characters made their way back to the front, easing the shocking scenes of the exorcism itself into the darker recesses. And it had just the same effect. Gripping and taught, the narrative is compelling and the performances on screen deliver a stand out performance. The film has stood the test of time, not just in popular culture, it has a reputation it is worthy of, but on repeat viewings, it looses none of it’s impact, back then, or now.

 The film is renowned for the shock stories it generated on it’s first release and has been parodied and lampooned on many occasions. Amongst all that, the fact that there are deep characterisations and a smooth, slow burn development is often forgotten. It is a remarkable film and certainly one of a limited amount that can be classified as a “Classic”.

Bubble Boy

Pure genius in a bubble…….out of the blue I was blind sided by this cracking comedy. Truly laugh out loud funny it descends into slapstick at times but you really. Don’t. Care. Centering around a teenage lad (Gyllenhall) who has spent his life in a plastic bubble in his house due to a lack of immunity, he decides to get mobile when the love of his life is to marry another, wholly unsuitable individual. Contrived to an extreme at times and with an ending you could smell about ten minutes in, again it really doesn’t matter. The film is fun to an extreme, to a point where I found it difficult to remember when a film had made me feel as happy as that last……. 

Death Racers (2008)

 Why do I put myself through this? A long time ago I watched anything and everything when it came to films (no, I tell a lie, I have never succeeded with a traditional Bollywood film, but that’s a different story) The theory was you need to watch a bad film to know what a good film is. Bollocks. It may give you a sense of relativity, but it’s JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE!!! Bad films (and when I say bad, I mean irretrievably bad) are simply a waste of time. Why not watch something mediocre, average, or even better watch a great film that you’ve seen before.

 Now Death Racers is a carry over from the bad ole’ days. It’s in a back catalogue of films I have to get through simply because of my obsessive nature and it’s bad.

 A cheap and nasty (but not nasty in a good sense) rip off of either Death Race 2000 (1975) or the remake (2008) it failed to impress on any level. At All. Bad acting, direction and script, it over relies on washed out digital effects and jump cuts, trying to be stylish……it doesn’t. Even the film quality reeks of a £120 digicam…..I ask myself again, why do I put myself through this and the answer is……I won’t do much longer.